George
Hernandez
04/22/14
English 002
Professor
Ankney
Entering
a new world
Imagine
entering a new world that feels unfamiliar to what you've experienced your
whole life. A world that feels familiar, yet unknown. This is how it feels to
enter high school while coming out of middle school. Entering high school can feel
a bit apprehensive especially considering how it’s a new culture you are unfamiliar
with since you've been used to being in middle school. When entering high school
culture, you should be open to entering any school activities that might appeal
to your interests and hobbies while also trying to build relationships with
your teachers and classmates.
In
high school, I tried to find school activities that fit my interest by
searching through the hallway for flyers for an after-school club. A club is a great way to find new friends who can help you better get
better used to your new school life. I know this because I joined the gaming
club which was filled with nice people who shared my interest in playing video
games. Club activities can help build relationships with students who can help
you get better used to your new cultural experience. Whether it’s something
like the video game club or even something like the book club, you’ll be given
the opportunity to surround yourself with other classmates who can relate to
your appeals. This way you’ll be able to build new relationships with people
who can share your passion of something like gaming or reading which will make
coming to school feel more comfortable.
If
you don’t know how to start looking for club activities, there’s no need to
worry, there are usually information posted on various clubs you can join on
the schools bulletin boards or even the schools website. Another way to find an
activities to join is to pay attention to the school intercom for updates on
new or already existing clubs looking for new participates to join them during
lunch or after school. This was actually how I joined the gaming club in my
school when I was a freshman. Being a freshman with little to no friends to
interact with was frightening, but it wasn't until I heard of a group who took
in interest in video gaming through the schools intercom announcements that I
decided to join their club. This group of video gamers (who were sophomores) was
passionate about what they enjoyed and was kind enough to provide freshman’s
any information about the school. This club was filled with the love of gaming I've always enjoyed and coming after school to play and learn the mechanics of multiple
games gave me a reason to look forward to coming to school. Once you join a
club that fits your interest, you’ll not only feel right at home with people
who can relate to your hobbies, but you’ll also be given the chance to look forward
to coming to school.
Adjusting
to your new lifestyle certainly will be challenging, but you can make your
experience easier if you find a companion you shared your middle school years
with. This way, you’ll feel comfortable toward exploring your new high school
culture. I wasn't given the chance to experience high schools culture with a
friend I knew. When I was a freshman, I was unfamiliar to my surroundings
because of how the school I entered wasn't the one I originally planned to
enter. Unfortunately, the school I wanted to attend had their deadlines done
early, so I couldn't enter it and be surrounded by my old friends. This meant
that when I entered high school, I went without knowing anyone from my previous
school to interact with which made things difficult for me. It wasn't until I joined
the video game club that I started to make new friends and feel adjusted towards
my new high school culture. The best thing you can do to fit into this new culture
would be to find any possible old friends you can interact with to make things
feel easier for you. If you have multiple friends you recognize then try to
share each other’s class schedules to see what classes you will be sharing
together. If I was able to enjoy my year as a freshman with new friends than
you should be able to enjoy it with friends you've made in middle school.
Once you've read and understood your class schedules go to class prepared to
interact with your teacher. Once your teacher starts to make his or her
introductions, try to pay attention to the possible stories they’ll bring up
about their life and teaching career. Once they have given you a background on
their history, try asking questions or commenting on what they have told you.
This will start to build an early relationship that will help make interactions
in future classes feel more comfortable. It also helps to come by their
classrooms during lunch (if possible) or after school to discuss any concerns
you may have with the class. This is also a great way to help you in any
troubles you have with any assignments you are given to the class. It’s
important to remember that things get more difficult in high school than middle
school, but if you’re willing to interact with your teachers about your work than
you’ll have a better chance of succeeding in the class.
Entering
this new world can be fearsome, but once you start to put in the effort to get
used to your new culture then you’ll feel much more at home. Obviously, things won’t start feeling easier
right away, but with time you’ll feel more comfortable with the culture
surrounded by your school. Your experience
through your freshman year up to your senior year will feel more comfortable
once you open up to the idea of entering an afterschool activity that you could
enjoy while also trying to create new bonds with your teachers and classmates.
I don't personally have an issue with your topic sentences coming at the end of the paragraphs, at times. Your first BP topic sentence comes at the end, but your paragraph is unified despite starting with the personal example. You are a skilled enough writer that I know this, but I worry about an outside, first-time reader of your work not seeing that. Perhaps you will want to "fix" that topic sentence for your outsiders, or not.
ReplyDeleteLook out for some semi-awkward sentences such as " This club was filled with the love of gaming...," where you really mean that the people in the club has a love for gaming that matched your own. More than being incoherent or a real error, this phrasing just highlights that you don't really talk about the people in the club or what makes you love gaming, etc.
As the paper goes on, your language does still get more general and repetitive in syntax. In that third paragraph you end up using "This..." way too much. For example, "This is also a great way..." leads me to think you left an opportunity on the page to more clearly define what the "This" is--which is really important because you have two "It's" and two more "This" subjects in that paragraph. You need to use better vocabulary, and actually state what those things are as the subject of the sentence that you use those words to replace. That paragraph, too, is all about building relationships with teachers, which is fine outside of the fact that your thesis includes "and classmates."
Lastly, that last body paragraph has good advice and reasoning, but lacks an example. If there were one thing to really work on in the draft other than the vocabulary of certain sentences--examples would be the place to add some more. You can give a brief example of building a teacher-student relationship and how it helped you in a specific course.